Listen, before you get all upset that I’m ungrateful or picky or whatever it is you want to call me, just know that I don’t care. I’m open to a lot of foods, and I do understand there are people who would love to have whatever food is given to them.
That being said, these vintage recipes are so ridiculous and gross that I don’t understand how anyone could have eaten these. Why is everyone in Jello? That’s what I want to know.
These are some of the grossest vintage recipes I found on the internet, and I’m sorry for subjecting your eyes to them.
1. Spinach and Egg Mold
You know what? This probably wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t encased in gelatin. It certainly wouldn’t be my favorite dish, but I think I could deal with spinach, eggs, and cottage cheese.
2. Banana Candles
These just…don’t look right. The recipe is from a cookbook for kids, though it’s unclear why such a phallic recipe should be for a child. In reality, the food itself doesn’t sound that bad. Bananas, pineapple, jam, and chopped nuts aren’t totally out of place, but I just can’t get past the look of it.
3. Crown Roast of Frankfurters
Perhaps this Weight Watchers recipe was so effective because it ruined your appetite? Hot dogs, poppy seeds, and shredded cabbage don’t scream “yum” to me. But hey, who am I to judge?
4. Whatever This Is
For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what was inside this lettuce (?) mould, and I actually think that’s for the best. It’s got to be some type of meat, right? Perhaps a tuna salad with some olives? No matter what it is, I wouldn’t go near it.
5. Fiesta Peach Spam Bake
SPAM? Fine. Peaches? Delicious. SPAM baked with peaches? Not exactly what I would call a meal or acceptable dish. Also interesting that this would be be considered a winter dish, because peaches are a summer food, but I digress.
6. Summer Salad Pie
There are so many things wrong with this recipe, not the least of which is that it’s a tuna fish pie. The cheese shell is a pretty redeeming quality,
7. Sardine-stuffed Lemons
8. Baked Bologna Jubilee
The only redeeming quality about this recipe is that it’s simple. Three ingredients is pretty straight-forward, but I don’t really know if this all goes together. Also, where do you even get such a large piece of bologna?
9. Simple Supper Mould
Why does everything need to be in a gelatin? WHY? Bacon, chicken, peas, carrots, and gelatin don’t really scream dinner to me.
10. The Gelatinous Monstrosity
Alright, so I couldn’t find a recipe for whatever this is, but the image alone is pretty bad. There’s that gelatin again, but this time it’s stuffed with beans, carrots, some type of cheese, and some type of meat (I think.)
11. Ham in Aspic
Meat, gelatin, veggies, repeat.
12. Spam ‘n’ Banana Fritters
To be fair, this is really just a platter and you don’t have to eat them all together, but SPAM, bananas, and asparagus don’t all belong on the same plate. They just don’t.
13. Vegetable Quiche
New rule: if it doesn’t have eggs, it is most certainly not a quiche. This is a vegetable gelatin pie, and it’s not something I would ever serve.
14. Seven-up In Milk
Just logistically, would this nor curdle? It’s a fizzy drink being poured into milk. There’s no way this is good. I refuse to believe it is.
15. Fish “Tacos”
If you have to put air quotes around tacos, then they are definitely not tacos. It’s an open-faced sandwich, and not an appealing one at that.
16. Liver and Sausage Pineapple
This is liver and sausage molded into a pineapple, so the answer is yes: there is something worse than sardines stuffed in lemons.
17. Ham and Bananas Hollandaise
The only time bananas should be baked is in a banana cream pie or banana bread. They should most definitely NOT be baked wrapped in ham and covered in hollandaise.
18. Frozen Cheese Salad
Honestly, this is why people are afraid to use Weight Watchers. They can’t get past these types of recipes.
19. Velveeta Cheese Fudge
I love Velveeta cheese, and I love fudge, but in no world should these two be combined. It’s like the world’s worst mashup.
20. Jellied Tomato Refresher
There is nothing refreshing about this. Nothing.