Being a lawyer is 5% cool cases and 95% weird s**t
The Sleep Judge I have a pending trial that includes allegation of an assault with a deadly weapon. The deadly weapon in question is a 20″ box fan. Allegedly the box fan was swung around via the electric cable like a flail before someone was struck in the head. My first reaction to was pretty simple: where can I buy a box fan with a cable that strong?
Our client saved a woman who had drowned at the edge of a lake. She didn’t have a pulse. Our client pulled her ashore and gave her CPR, as he was the only adult in the area and the only person certified to give CPR. This was about 12 – 15 miles from the nearest hospital, so if he didn’t act she would die. During the course of the chest compressions, he bruised two of her ribs and cracked another (this is actually fairly common when performing CPR). He was able to resuscitate the woman, saving her life. She survived with no long-lasting damage whatsoever, which was extraordinarily lucky.
2 months later she filed suit for damages (alleging battery). Which, I mean, ok, he did cause your cracked ribs. But also, without him your two young kids would be down a parent and would have watched their mom die. So, you know, dick move.
Thankfully his care was considered reasonable in the jurisdiction so he was protected by local good samaritan law. The suit was dismissed.
United Artists I had a case where the plaintiff told me he caught Adolph Hitler and that he won the Medal of Honor. His attorney missed court a lot, once because her pet duck had a nostril infection. The transaction was for approximately 6 million and when I asked him whether he had applied for financial help, he stated that he’d asked “an Irishman” for a loan. He could not identify the specific Irishman. This case lasted in the NYS Supreme Court from 1995-2015. I miss it, it was so much fun.
Not a lawyer, but work at a law firm. There’s a case where a crazy lady’s neighbor was allowed to have chickens in their yard. So she bought pigs, and the HOA or city stepped in and made her get rid of them. It was a suburban area.
In retaliation, this lady buys 5,000 chickens from Tyson and unleashed them into her half acre backyard. The chickens all die, obviously. She sued the trucking company that brought the chickens for “defective chickens” and negligent infliction of emotional distress because her daughter had to view the “gore” of 5,000 dead chickens in her back yard. She defended herself, of course.
Faxo I just worked on an amazing case recently. A woman and her fuck buddy decided to try anal in some crazy sex position where he was apparently holding her arms behind her back. He falls on top of her and hurts her shoulder, she got a rotor cuff tear. She sued him and I represent his insurance company so we stepped in. TIL homeowners insurance will cover accidents from anal. I wonder if you have to request that coverage specifically.
One time I defended an apartment complex who was sued by a blind tenant for violating the Americans with Disabilities Act. Plaintiff’s gripe was she wanted a parking spot right in front of her door. Obviously, plaintiff was not capable of driving and didn’t have a car. She wanted the parking spot in case friends came over. She didn’t want them to have to walk as far to get to her apartment. The part that made it really weird was she already had an assigned parking spot like 3 feet away from the one she was demanding. She wanted the absolute closest parking spot to her door or it was discrimination even though she didn’t own and couldn’t operate a car.
Defective vape rig exploded in a guys pocket and burned his penis off of his body. The settlement was very large. Discovery and reviewing medical records was extremely graphic and disheartening. I cannot imagine the anguish this man went through. Living without a penis from age thirty onwards would be an absolute nightmare.
BD Outdoors A long time also I used to do some relationship property work (who gets what stuff after a couple splits up). In one case I represented the woman. Her ex partner was self-represented, and he was totally crazy. He used to write long letters to my firm, addressed to the managing partner (who was a commercial lawyer, not a litigator, so he had nothing to do with the case). The letters always explained at some length that he was physically perfect, over six feet tall, and a genius wth an IQ of 150, and that he would “unleash the dogs of war” and crush us all if we opposed him.
Speaking of dogs, one of the main aspects of his case is that he said that after he and my client split up he bought a dog, then the dog died in a car crash because he was so sad after the break up that he crashed his car, so now my client owed him money for the three years with worth of dog food he’d supposedly bought.
He used to ring me up and scream at me over the phone. He’d get naked and throw rocks at his neighbour’s property. My client was terrified of him and even I used to peer out of the elevator before leaving work at night In case he was waiting for me.
Not a lawyer but one of the car dealerships my dad worked for had a commercial in the 80s where they used a guy dressed up in a gorilla outfit and the dealership had a whole jungle theme. In one of the commercials they said like come down and get a new “whatever car it was” for 10,000 bananas.
Some guy showed up with a truck full of 10,000 bananas the next week and wanted the car. It ended up in court and the banana guy won from it being deemed false advertisement.
The Day I learned that not everything on Jerry Springer is fake.
I was a prosecutor for a couple of years. I was prosecuting a woman (Stripper) who hit another woman (sex worker) in the head with a meat cleaver – several times. The defendant worked as a stripper. She lived with a man who was a pimp (he looked like the stereotype you see in the movies). The woman that got hit with the meat cleaver was one of his prostitutes. The pimp was having relations with both, at the same time – thus there was some bad blood.
Well, they get invited to be on Jerry Springer and they all agree to go. Huge fight happens (we are talking multiple fights where clumps of hair are coming out). Stripper tells sex worker on the Jerry Springer show, that if sher ever comes around the house again that Stripper will kill her…
Well you guessed it, Hooker comes by the house when they get back. Stripper hits Hooker with a butcher’s knife in the head, several times. Hooker lives. Stripper gets convicted of aggravated battery. (Note: I did not do the charging in the office so another attorney charged the defendant with Aggravated Battery rather than Attempted Murder).
Court reporters are probably the calmest people you will meet in a court room. They rarely show emotions. The court reporter taking the plea was very attractive. During the entire please hearing, the Pimp was staring at her the court reporter the entire time. It was so bad, I was getting creeped out. The court reporter bolted from the court room the moment the hearing was over because she was completely grossed out by the dude.
After the attack (but before the plea hearing) – they got invited back to appear on the Springer show. They went two more times. It was an absolute shit show – only appeared on the Too Hot for TV videos. Somewhere around here I have the old VHS copy of the three appearances.
CBS The one that comes to mind is a deposition when I was still a law student. The firm I was working for represented a bus company that took senior citizens to casinos in the area. One lady, who looked just like Aunt Bee from Mayberry, fell getting off of the bus. She sued and was being deposed. One of the lawyers had a list of doctors that he was going through with her and she was identifying what they treated her for. One for high blood pressure, one for her heart condition, one for her bad knee, and on and on. He finally gets to the last doctor and asks her what that one is treating her for.
“Oh, him,” she says, “he’s trying to get me off of weed.”
Not a lawyer but I know a guy who was interning in a law firm, and he ended up getting sued by one of the top lawyers at the firm. For damages over a lost case folder.
The lawyer ended up having to drop the suit a few days later when he discovered that, in the process of moving into a new office, he had just left the “missing” folder in his old office.
This was apparently also a rite of passage and just about everybody who works at the firm had been sued by this lawyer at some point. I guess he hadn’t been fired because they knew it would be a total nightmare.
NYC teacher has to go to jury duty. While going through security, his backpack is found to have a cigarette box stuffed with 20 glassine envelopes of heroin. Because he has tenure, he is entitled to a hearing where he is obviously fired. He files a lawsuit to get the termination reversed… and SUCCEEDS! Thank God for appeals. Our appeal wins and the decision is reversed so the heroin addict thankfully is not teaching your kids.
Postmedia Not a lawyer, but my uncle is.
There was a house with four lesbians living in it. 1 & 2 and 3 & 4 are couples. 1 & 3 start cheating on 2 & 4 together. So while 1 & 3 are in the bedroom together, 2 & 4 get in a car (I think it really was a Subaru) and drive it into the bedroom. No one was hurt. I think my uncle represented the homeowner’s insurance company.
Lawyer in the hospitality industry. My firm had a case where Plaintiffs sued our client because they (Plaintiffs) claimed they brought their baby into our client’s pool, another baby shat in the pool, and their baby got salmonella as a result (there was no evidence that the other baby even had salmonella). Their baby ended up being fine with no lasting health effects and we won on summary judgment.
We had a stalker of a celebrity call in and try to get a case started for custody of the celeb’s kid. “Are you married?” “Spiritually married, yes, but not legally married.” “Are you on the birth certificate?” “No.” “Is it your kid?” “Not technically.” Turns out the only time this person “met” the celebrity is going to their shows, trying to sneak backstage, and getting kicked out. Needless to say we did not take the case lol.
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