Doctors are warning men to stop banging banana peels as it may lead to a rash and sores on the penis. A “worrying” trend online has men removing the banana from the peel and going to town on the empty husk — maybe even microwaving the peel beforehand.
From The Sun:
They claim the slime form the peel contains a great lubricant and produces a similar feeling to receiving oral sex.
However, medics are now warning the bizarre trend could cause painful rashes and sores.
And using banana skins to pleasure yourself may even trigger an infection as contact with protein inside the fruit’s skin can cause flare ups in some people. Dr Diana Gill, from online doctor and prescription service Doctor-4-U, said: “You could develop a rash and sores on the penis which can be painful and might lead to infection.”
And she warned that this new way of masturbating could be especially dangerous for men with allergies.
She added: “A person with a banana allergy is more likely to be allergic to other substances such as latex or other fruits and vegetables.
“So if you’re allergic to latex condoms you may also be allergic to banana skins.”
Here’s the thing about this story… it’s bullshit. Not the fucking banana peels part. That’s true. Humans fuck everything (Stand in the middle of your kitchen, point your finger, close your eyes, spin around for 10 seconds and open your eyes again. Whatever food or appliance or gadget your finger is pointing at — a banana, an orange, a wooden spoon, a cheese grater — I guarantee someone is either fucking or getting fucked by said household item at this exact moment).
No, no. What’s bullshit about this story is the way The Sun frames the risk of rash or sores from banana sex. What these so-called journalists fail to mention until several scrolls down the article is that you’re basically only at risk of flaring up if you’re allergic to bananas. The headline should be: “Don’t Fuck Banana Peels If You’re Allergic to Bananas.” Which doesn’t even need to be written. Much like the headline “Don’t Fuck A Jar of Peanut Butter if You’re Allergic to Peanuts,” it goes without saying. If something makes you break into hives or go into cardiac arrest when you stuff it in one orifice, then it’s a piss poor idea to stuff it in a different one.
Part of The Sun’s article is accurate though… that shit does feel divine. Like head but better. Actually, the headline should be “Don’t Fuck Banana Peels Because it Feels so Good That You Won’t Even Bother Speaking to a Real Woman or Leaving your House Ever Again” because that’s the real danger here. Fourteen year-old Alex can vouch for that. However, if you think you can control yourself, I highly recommend grabbing a banana, consuming the contents within (potassium prevents cramps, which is the last thing you want during a night of rigorous self-lovemaking), and microwaving it for exactly five seconds (any less won’t get the job done, any more will burn your pecker). Then get after it. The sensation feels like Aphrodite herself has leaned down from the heavens and given you a mouth hug. Potassium Pumpers: 10/10. But, like I said, be warned… while a night with Miss Dole feels awesome, fucking a microwaved banana peel is a slippery slope.
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