The thing about a story like this is that you can give away the punchline right up top, but the sweet sweet details are what makes a fucked up story like this beautiful. Let’s start with the basics:
A substitute teacher by the name of Heather Carpenter was arrested and charged with third-degree felony criminal mischief.
What did Heather Carpenter do to earn those charges? Well, she sabotaged a seven-year-old’s birthday party at a park in Sarasota. Why she did this isn’t entirely clear, but the seven-year-old in question is the daughter of the school’s principal, and the principal had invited all of the kids in her daughter’s class to come. Among those kids is Carpenter’s daughter.
Now, here’s where this story takes the “Florida man” turn: The way that Carpenter chose to “sabotage” the party.
She rubbed human shit all over the tables and the grills.
And yes, it’s human shit. I don’t know how they determined that, but this is the part where I’m going to quote directly from our source, a
WWSB News report:
Police first learned of the incident on December 1, when a call came in around 6:30am from a witness who had seen a woman in rubber gloves and a face mask putting human fecal matter on top of seven tables and two grills at Urfer Park on Honore Avenue in Sarasota.
If that wasn’t fucked up enough, the tables aren’t perfectly flat. They’re porous, which means the county had to have the tables replaced. Oh, and the grills didn’t fare much better. Due to food safety concerns, they were completely replaced too. Between refunding the rental for the pavilion, labor, plus the cost of replacing all of that hardware, the financial total was $2,310.
Beyond the graphic details, there’s still almost no explanation as to why Carpenter did this. Beyond her child and the principal’s child sharing a class, there’s only one other hint as to why the hell this happened. To quote the article again:
She [the principal] also said she had an ongoing dispute with a substitute teacher, 42-year-old Heather Carpenter, over a complaint Carpenter had filed that Carpenter did not feel was being properly addressed.
The sad thing about a lot of “Florida Man” stories is that you only really see the initial headline. You never really see the follow-up, and the fact we don’t know what that complaint is saddens me.
I just want to know how you get to the point in your life where you get up early, put on rubber gloves and a face mask, and mosey on over to the park with a bucket of human shit (who fucking knows where she got that), and spread it all over the tables like butter on a large bit of toast.
It just dawned on me that this is going up at 6:30, right around breakfast.
Sorry about that.
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