DEAR DEIDRE: I HAD great sex with one of my boyfriend’s mates when it turned out my boyfriend’s “holiday” in India was really to marry another woman. Now he’s back with me but I’ve ruined everything.
I have been with my boyfriend for nine years. We met at college when I was 18 and he was 21. He is from an Indian background so there was always an issue that his parents would want him to settle down with a girl from their culture.
But he always insisted he loved me and wouldn’t go along with their wishes. Nine months ago when he said he and his male cousin were going to India to have a holiday with family, I didn’t question it.
They were due to be away for six weeks and planned it for months. But just a week before he left, he admitted he was getting married to a girl his family had found for him over there.
I was heartbroken but he said he could not say no to his family any longer. After he left, I went crazy, drinking and hooking up with guys. I don’t know why I was so stupid. The worst thing was I had sex one night with a friend of my boyfriend’s. He is 29. I’d run into him in a pub and he seemed sympathetic.
The sex felt great at the time, though I realise now he was just using me. My boyfriend married the girl in India but only stuck it for a month. He’s since said that they had nothing in common, with her growing up in an Indian village and him in a big city in the UK.
When he came back he told me he still loved me, things got better between us and we started to patch things up. He got divorced from his wife in India and started to talk about marrying me no matter what his family said.
He asked me if I’d been with anyone while he was away and I said no, but then his mate decided to spill the beans about what we’d done and added all sorts of untrue stuff to excuse himself, making me out to be a complete slut.
My boyfriend admits he still loves me but says there is no way we can marry now, as his family have heard all the rumours. They even blame me for his marriage break-up.
ALMOST one in three relationships is affected by cheating. Illicit lovers are in a bad place too, having fallen for someone who isn’t free.
Stats show that usually the partner will stay put and leave their lover.
My e-leaflet Your Lover Not Free? can help you decide how to handle a love triangle.
Email me at the address below or message me on Facebook for a free copy.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your boyfriend is caught between two cultures but it sounds as though he genuinely loves you so he may yet stand up to his family and their values.
But you certainly made it harder for him by sleeping around after he’d left, though you’re not the first to act so self-destructively after rejection.
Popular Dear Deidre problems
Tell your boyfriend you were so hurt it distorted your judgement. Ask him to forgive you but remind him he should be asking you for forgiveness for deceiving you and planning to marry another woman.
Could you two move further away from his family? Even if not, if he stands up for his love for you his family may yet come round.
You can both find support through asianfamilycounselling.org (020 8571 3933).
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