DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend was killed in a road crash and I’m having his baby. To add to my pain, his ex-wife denied I was part of his life and told everyone she would go mad if I went to his funeral.
We met three years ago when he was going through his divorce. His wife always blamed me for them splitting up but he had stopped loving her years before. I am 27, he was 35, the same age as his ex.
They had two little boys and he was a great dad even after they split up. Our relationship was passionate and sex was always great but everything else wasn’t always perfect. His ex made his life hell when he was with me and would mess up his days to see the boys.
We split and made up several times. Three months ago I discovered I was pregnant. It was a shock but we were both delighted. He told me he loved me, that he wanted us to get married and he didn’t care what his ex said or did.
We were both so excited about the future. We had sex that night and it was the most amazing experience ever for us both. He was not due to go into work the next day but his mate rang him saying he was sick.
My boyfriend rang me on his way to work to say he would be home early and he was going to arrange for us to have a sexy weekend away. That was the last time I heard his voice. The police came later in the day to say he’d been involved in a fatal road accident on the motorway.
His wife was still his next of kin so she’d been told too and his family took over. I was never consulted or involved in any way with his funeral. His ex told everyone I had better not attend the funeral or else. I desperately wanted to go but didn’t, so as not to upset his parents.
I want my baby to have his name yet I am scared of telling everyone I am pregnant, not least his mum and dad, but then I think they have a right to know I am so upset. I have a scan tomorrow and I can’t stop crying.
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DEIDRE SAYS: How devastating. It was cruel and unnecessary revenge for his ex to ban you from your partner’s funeral. She took out her anger with him on you – when he was alive and after he’d died.
She had no right to do that but it was tactful of you to stay away to avoid risking distress to his parents.
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But you are expecting their grandchild and I think it is best to let them know, so they can start thinking through how they are going to handle this. Of course it will come as a shock but I hope they will put the baby’s interests first and welcome him or her.
Do share your feelings with those close to you so you have support through this pregnancy. Cruse Bereavement Care can offer support (cruse.org.uk 0808 808 1677).
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