Jeopardy is about to be broke as f*** thanks to James Holzhauer
I’m smarter than you, and I know it! In today’s episode of “So you thought you were doing well? Get a load of this shit!”, I bring you the story of James Holzhauer. The man, the myth, the lucky-smart bastard who’s destroying Jeopardy! so hard, they might have to bring Sean Connery on to save it.
This mother fucker… If you’re familiar with the enigmatic history of Jeopardy!, you know that since its infancy in 1964, it has been a parade for people who have the innate ability to remember random, and mostly useless bullshit. Congrats Judy, you know the color of a flower that only grows on a shady hillside in June. For mere mortals like myself, Jeopardy! is like playing Trivial Pursuit with your buddy who has a photographic memory. You know he’s going to wipe the floor with your ass, but as long as you get the sports questions right you can save a little face. Well, current game show wizard James Holzhauer is kicking ass and taking names at such a blistering pace, even the shows previous trivia Gods are taking notice. Some have even begun asking if he’s broken the show permanently.
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE BRAIN Holzhauer’s run began just 11-days ago, and already he’s summiting the leader boards and dashing records former Jeopardy! bad boy Ken Jennings couldn’t muster in his 74-show win streak. How is he doing it? Besides the mini listening device in his ear and his half-alien origins, he’s employing a strategy known as the “Forrest Bounce.” This means, instead of following staus-quo, and working his way down the categories in ascending difficulty, he bounces around and takes on the big money questions first. This method of board hopping was pioneered by Chuck Forrest, whom it’s named after, and is intended to not only be a cash grab but also to confuse opponents who aren’t able to get into a rhythm.
THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS, JIMMY! This method also allows him to quickly find and exploit the show’s Daily Doubles, where he can wager massive amounts of coin, dramatically increasing his winnings. In the short time it takes Holzhauer to find these prized squares, he’s already dominating the competition so totally, he’s able to wager copious sums knowing he’ll still be in the lead. How much money has this method won the gameshow star so far? As of the writing of this post, Holzhauer has raked in the meager sum of $771,920–the second most total earning EVER. To put this into perspective, during his 74-show run, Ken Jennings took home a grand total of $2.5 Million. If you hated Jennings, you’ve definitely got good ol’ James on a watch list.
Oh, did I mentioned James is a Las Vegas resident and professional sports bettor. Yeah, apparently that’s a thing and why didn’t anyone tell me? My finances certainly couldn’t be any worse. Adding to his trophy case of bragging rights, James has broken his own single-day winnings record four times. In 11 tries. His biggest single day earnings so far has been the meager sum of $131,127. Before James came in and busted up Alex’s shit, the single day winnings record was just $77,000. Just $77,000…. Damnit James, you’re busting up my shit too!
Of course, being in the spotlight has spawned plenty of memes about his Jeopardy! voodoo.
Oh look, it’s James on his day off wrecking other dads in front of their kids at Chuck ‘E Cheese!
I mean it from the bottom of my heart, with the utmost sincerity, a smile on my face, and a cherry on top when I say, go fuck yourself James Holzhauer you god damn Jeopardy! genius. You can take your gajillion in winnings and go rot in some Las Vegas champagne room being lavished by naked women named shit like “Peaches” and “Ebony.” Have fun getting all the glitter off you mental wizard. Hah!
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