Let’s be honest, these movie ‘heroes’ are really the bad guys
Warner Bros. When it comes to investing ourselves into a film, we always want to root for the good guy; because there always is one. Which means, by necessity, that there’s a bad guy. But what if we’ve been rooting for the wrong guy?
Sometimes, the guy that stands up claiming to be the hero, is the bad guy and is the cause of all the bad shit going down.
Just think about it.
Newmarket Leonard Shelby
Let’s be honest here; Leonard is not a good guy. His short term memory loss makes him an unreliable narrator. So, if you watch the film as presented for the first time, you feel sorry for the guy. All he wants is to find the man who killed his wife.
Given that he doesn’t remember shit, we learn later, that he already found the guy and it was him. Maybe. He’s fuzzy on the details, but in any case, he’s not the hero of the piece.
Paramount Grandpa Joe
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
When you have your own website detailing how much of a shitstick you are, there’s no doubt that you’re the bad guy. There’s any number of reasons, but the most prominent are that he has money to buy tobacco, while everyone else eats cabbage soup. But that’s not even paid for with his own money. For all intents and purposes, Grandpa Joe’s been lying in bed for 20 years, never lifting a finger. He’s got enough energy to criticize but not to give anyone a hand.
And yet, once Charlie gets that golden ticket, looks who can suddenly dance and sing? Then, while he’s at the factory, he makes misogynistic comments about the girls and is also kinda racist.
He’s not anybody’s sweet ol’ Grampa. He’s a tool.
Disney Peter Pan
There are plenty of theories out there about his evil nature, but the most common ones are that he’s the reason why Captain Hook only has one hand. He started a fight with him over his hatred of grown ups, cut off his hand and fed it to the crocodile, thus making his own arch-enemy, with an arch-enemy of his own.
Then there’s this passage from the novel:
“The boys on the island vary, of course, in numbers….and when they seem to be growing up, which is against the rules, Peter thins them out; but at this time there were six of them, counting the twins as two.”
So when the lost boys get too old, he thins them out? He fucking kills kids when they get older. And let’s not get him started on his kidnapping of Wendy, Michael and John. It’s kidnapping.
MGM Glinda, The Good Witch
Wizard of Oz
We were all duped as kids. We thought that the Wicked Witch of the West was the worst possible character in film, when all she was, was a girl who wanted her shoes back. It’s the good witch, Glinda, who causes all the trouble.
When the house lands on the Wicked Witch of the East, Glinda denies the West’s request for the ruby slippers, and gives them to Dorothy. Then she manipulates the events behind the scenes to get Dorothy to Oz, meet the rest of the crew, expose the Wizard, then finally, take down the Wicked Witch.
And she didn’t even need to get any dust on her sparkly, pink dress.
Paramount Old Rose
Despite what James Cameron says, there was a way for Jack and Rose to fit on that door. But she didn’t even let him try. Because she’s a selfish and spoiled person.
There’s a lot to be said about how she was treated by her mom and Cal, and the role of women in society at the time, and I’m certainly not defending the misogyny of the era, but she’s a liar. She promised to marry Cal to ensure the financial future of her family, then cheats on her fiancee. Not cool.
But then it’s old Rose who really makes her character unsympathetic. She hoards a $250 Million necklace and never shares it with her family, despite the fact that it was Cal that gave it to her. She could have ensured her family lived debt free, or donated it to a museum, or even gave it to the salvage crew for future expedition funding, but instead, threw it away.
Paramount Ferris Bueller
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
While he might seem like the hero to everyone in the school, he’s a truant little bully. He gets his principal in trouble (who’s literal job is to ensure that kids aren’t in class), is a shitty friend to Cameron and ruins his dad’s car, and I don’t think he’s all that nice to Sloane.
Dude just needs to accept responsibility and be a grown up.
Frankly, Maverick isn’t a very good member of the US Navy. He doesn’t listen to authority, is a very unsafe pilot, and wrestles with his daddy issues. In reality, someone like him would have been court martialed and drummed out of the military a lot time ago, and probably charged with a few infractions.
His attitude makes Iceman look like the sanest one in the bunch, and that’s scary.
20th Century fox Daniel Hillard
Is this a heartwarming and funny family film or a dark movie about a deranged stalker? It’s hard to tell. We root for Daniel because he just wants to spend time with his kids, and reconcile with his wife. But there’s a good reason that the judge denied his requests. He’s unreliable, and there’s a mention of some sort of substance abuse problem.
However wholesome his intentions, he breaks the law trying to sneakily see his kids, almost kills Stu and is a general d-bag to everyone else. He sort of gets what he deserves in the end, but at least he knows it and tries to make it better by being honest and acting like a grown-up.
Warner Bros. V
V for Vendetta
Sure, his motivation is to get revenge on what was done to him and free the masses from the Fascist government, but he’s also a terrorist. And a murderous one at that.
He kills people, then forces his followers to sacrifice themselves, by giving them the Guy Fawkes masks. The police don’t know who’s the real one, so they just kill everyone. Then he tortures Evey, destroys landmarks, and doesn’t really keep his word. But the bad guys do a lot worse in the film, so I don’t want to condemn him too much.
Still a great film though.
Universal Pictures Happy Gilmore
Sure, Adam Sandler is funny, and he’s trying to save his grandmother’s house from the bank, but he’s also an angry man-child.
He’s got some serious anger issues, he picks a fight with Bob Barker, takes out his mentor and is a creepo to his old girlfriend.
We can’t really discount all the stupid things he does, just because he’s Happy Gilmore.
Marvel Studios Tony Stark
This might seem like a stretch, but if you look at the bigger picture, he does turn out to be an enormous dick. He starts off as a playboy, who just fucks around and doesn’t know what his company is up to. If he partied less, he might have known that Obediah Stane was supplying weapons to terrorists. He also would have avoided the whole Aldrich Killian fiasco if he wasn’t such a tool. Then, there’s Ultron. Also his fault.
But, more importantly, he leaves the US defenceless when he decides to stop selling weapons. I mean, yes, this is a good idea given how many bad guys have Stark Tech, but also, who’s gonna step up to help protect America. We all saw what happened when Hammer tried to take over. It just just a shortsighted move, and one that gave birth to the violent side of the MCU.
Warner Bros. Bruce Wayne
The Dark Knight Trilogy
This one is pretty obvious and you can find people talking about it all over the internet. So, why ignore it?
Bruce Wayne is a billionare. Given everything that Wayne Enterprises does, he’s not gonna stop being one any time soon. So, instead of spending money on dressing up like a bat, he probably should spend his billions on fixing the city. He could definitely affect more change with his wallet, than with his super gadgets and karate chops.
Warner Bros. Dumbledore
The Harry Potter Series
Pick your reason, because there’s plenty. He could have saved Harry from all the shit he got from the Dursley’s; he didn’t. He allows the Triwizard Tournament to happen and kids get maimed. Plus he’s got a 3 headed dog, crazy staircases, a homicidal tree, a cursed teaching position and a forest full of monsters.
But that’s not the worst. He could have told Harry everything about Voldemort, Snape, his destiny, etc.. But instead, he allows kids to go up against The Death Eaters and then allows himself to get offed, leaving Harry alone.
There you go.