The first time I ever went down on my ex-girlfriend I tried to set the mood with some music and some mood lighting. Everything was going well and she seemed really into it. About ten minutes into it I felt a literal gust of air hit my face and what can only be described as the sound of a muted trombone. I reeled back in shock and then it hit me. She just queefed in my face. We locked eyes and both started cracking up. To this day she is the only girl I truly loved.
She gave me head and wanted to show me that she swallowed my load, she came up to my face and she had an uncontrollable sneeze.
wikicommons Ex wanted me to give him a blowjob, I told him I couldn’t due to the fact I had braces and a metal spacer on the roof of my mouth. Told me to attempt it, that didn’t go over too well and ended in blood.
I thought it would be sexy to buy some handcuffs for the bedroom. We were doggy style and my boyfriend at the time went to put the cuffs on me with my hands behind my back. As soon as they clicked and he let go, I had a helpless moment of realization that I couldn’t stop myself from eating mattress. I kind of just fell forward and laid there, mumbling “help meeee” into the pillow while he was crippled over laughing next to me.
So I used to have my tongue pierced. I was giving my BF a BJ one day and I don’t really know how it happened but the stud just kind of slipped in there…down into his urethra.
I was so startled that it happened I pulled my head back and he went ballistic and freaked out. He couldn’t tell if it actually hurt or was just terrifying.
Never wake up your girlfriend with a donut on your boner, she won’t like it.
I tried to surprise my (now former) boyfriend one night by showing up without calling first. I interrupted him with his ex-girlfriend.
After finishing my shower one morning, I decided to enthusiastically jump on top of my new-ish-not-quite-boyfriend who was still lying in bed in an attempt to be sexy/cute… totally misjudged and fell off the flipping bed. He laughed and I was naked and mortified.
Asked a woman out for a late afternoon picnic at a really nice dog park, we both own dogs. She says yes, but then that evening she texts me that she will be late as her dinner is taking too long, and then doesn’t call/text me back.
My dogs got to eat like kings as I fed them her share of the food and I died a little inside as I ate out of the basket alone in front of the TV.
In the eighth grade, a girl broke up with me because I put my hand on her knee and she thought we were moving too fast. I ended up dating her for almost 2 years in high school.
As young and lust-filled teens at the time, my g/f and I were trying it all out… The first time we attempted a 69 (her on top), I remember thinking… “this tastes… Different to usual… Bitter, almost”.
Not to cause a fuss at first, I plowed through for 30 seconds or so, until I couldn’t bare it any longer. So I pushed her off and sat up,… Which is when she looked at my (unbeknown to me) blood-smeared mouth… She freaked out and started apologizing over and over… It took a few seconds to twig. I wiped my mouth and saw blood on my fingers, and it hit home. I ran to the bathroom like lightning.
I came back and found her crying she was so embarrassed. – She says she must have literally JUST started her period. She was a lovely and good girl, and of course, I knew she wouldn’t go into that knowingly! – All was good in the end and I didn’t make a big fuss over it… But I still remember it to this day.
picryl When we were young and had just started dating we were some very horny teenagers. She came to see me by visiting a friend down the road and I snuck out after dark to get some for the first time ever. We laid out a blanket in the pasture behind the house and started getting frisky when my mom yells my name outside. I jet back in and pretend to sleep waiting for them to go to bed but the rents decide to stay up FOREVER.
While I was gone my girlfriend fell asleep and woke up a couple of hours later to a bull staring at her from a foot away. We’re married and have been together for 16 years.
My girlfriend and I (this was early high school) were getting it on in the back of my car, clothes start coming off and my 6 foot 4 self decides to double hand pull my shirt off as she leans in to undo my pants… A loud crack and a lot of apologizing later she and I had to explain to her parents that the egg size lump above her left eye was not from me beating the crap out of her, but a simple miscalculation of height, she was 5 foot 2 came right up to my elbow.
To this day I see her dad sometimes when I head home on leave (he works at a local store) he’s utterly convinced I was abusive along with half the school the following week. We dated for like a year and a half after that and she thought the whole thing was hilarious.
Valentine’s day, decided to get my then-husband a couples massage at a fancy spa. Turns out, they are really busy that day. Only male massage therapists available. Cue him freaking out over a) having dude hands all over him and b) strange dude’s hands all over his wife.
I built an elaborate blanket fort that was big enough to comfortably enclose my queen-sized bed. I invited the guy I had been seeing over and instead of having sex in it as I had planned, we ended up talking all night. He hot boxed it all night with his farts and I kept pretending I couldn’t smell them because I tried so hard on the fort.
Tried to be sexy for the husband and climb seductively on his lap to get him in the mood. Kneed him in the balls.
My now wife and I were trying to get it on in the shower at my Mom’s house. As we were adjusting our position, she lost her balance. Trying to save herself, she grabbed me and we both went through the shower curtain and onto the bathroom floor. The back of her head missed the corner of the sink by about 6 inches.
wikicommons A hookup of mine had bad breath so I thought I could sneakily pass him a tic tac via making out. He panicked and spit out the mint thinking it was some drugs.
In the movies in high school. I went to do the “yawn and put the arm around”. I yawned, began to move my arm and clocked her in the nose, thus creating a rush of blood to flow out of her nose. Never saw her again.
I’m not the kind of girl who wears heels very often so when I do, it’s shaky at best. One night I decided to dress up sexy for my boyfriend, complete with thigh highs and heels. We’d had a couple of drinks and decided to take it into the bedroom.
I decided to walk using my sexiest strut and then went to lower myself onto the bed. That was the plan at least. Mid-stride beside the bed, I rolled my ankle, fell onto the edge of the bed, and promptly bounced/fell onto the floor. There was nothing to do but laugh and needless to say, I haven’t tried that since.
A girl tried to give me a blowjob, but since it was her first time she didn’t know what to do. So she improvised. She read somewhere that guys like having their balls sucked, so she tried that. Went at it like a freaking vacuum cleaner and when I let out a little sound trying to explain to her that that was not good, she got startled and accidentally bit my ball. I let out a freaking wounded animal war cry and her mother ran into the room and caught us.
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