Let’s be honest, there comes a point in the Christmas season where the family gathers, and someone is going to say a downright filthy/fucked up joke in the spirit of the holiday.
So, we’ve helpfully provided some for y’all. Enjoy!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?” The man replied, “They’re Carols”
A middle-aged woman goes to a tattoo parlor and asks the tattoo artist to tattoo “Thanksgiving” on the inside of one of her thighs, and “Christmas” on the inside of the other thigh. The tattoo artist is curious about this and asks, “Why such an odd request?”. The woman tells him, “My husband always complains that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”
Why did the snowman drop his pants?
He heard the snowblower was coming by
I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo.
If she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Nothing was stirring, not even a mouse.
I should have bought a carbon monoxide alarm.
On the first Christmas morning, the three wise men walk into the manger. The first one steps in donkey shit..looks at his shoe and exclaims “Jesus Christ”.. Mary looks up at Joseph and says…”that’s a better name than Keith”
Why was Dad upset that he got a sweater for Christmas?
Because he wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.” The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.” the young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
Long ago there was a very hectic day at the North Pole getting ready for Christmas Eve and Santa was having a tough time. It seemed nothing was going right and The Claus Man was stressed. So an Angel seeing this thought she would help and went down to a forest and brought back a great looking Christmas Tree. Just as Santa finished dealing with another sleigh loading snafu the angel shows up with the tree and ask Santa showing him the beautiful large tree, “Where should I put this?”
. . . . So that is why we have an angel on top of the typical Christmas Tree to this day.
What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa stops after 3 ho’s
A priest was visiting a delivery ward, there were 4 women in the ward awaiting their due date. One of the mothers was asleep. The priest asks the first expectant mother when the due date is. “September 12, Father.”
He asks the second mother, “September 12, Padre.”
The third mother, “September 12…”
He then points to the fourth and asks if she is due on the 12th too…
“I don’t know Father, she wasn’t at our Christmas Party.”
What Christmas song do they play at the psychiatrist’s office?
Do you hear what I hear…
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” said the boy “Yes, see them and they make you cry.” the father replied This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” said the daughter
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only”
Why is Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year!
Bert the Brown Nosed Reindeer – he could fly just as well as all the others. He just couldn’t stop as fast.
One of the elves needs some last minute supplies so he takes his snowmobile and heads off across the north pole. Unfortunately the snowmobile breaks down but he has special north-pole AAA and soon a mechanic arrives. He takes a look and says “this is gonna take a while, but there is a cafe just down the road so why don’t you head down there and come back in an hour”.
The elf heads off and finds that the cafe serves vanilla ice-cream, his favourite. After an hour he walks back across the ice to the snowmobile. The mechanic glances over the vehicle and says “looks like you blew a seal”.
The elf blushes and wipes his mouth. “No, no, it’s just ice cream”.
Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.
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