To be entirely fair, The Chive office has a LOT of stories that would qualify for a post like this (I mean, there’s a slide and a bar directly behind my desk, we have fun here, to say the least), but most businesses are a bit more strait-laced.
But that doesn’t protect you from weird shit, because nothing can ever prevent that.
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One guy did a spicy wing challenge at lunch. Later that afternoon he was on the floor of his cubicle moaning and crying and saying Fuck so many times (Very loudly) We tried to call an ambulance but he was adamant that he was going to be fine.
DeeMountain
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I watched the neighbor get caught by her husband mid-cheat. This was the last home hospice job I did. The clients bedroom was at the back of the house and had a large window that faced the front of the neighbors across a dirt road.
We were sitting mid morning drinking a cups and watching the birds in the low hedge when we saw a naked man suddenly sprint across the side yard into the old garage followed by the just as naked wife and a few seconds later the husband. Lot of screaming follows then the naked man took off across the field and disappeared into the orchard. Several minutes pass before we see the wife dash over to her car, still naked, get in and drive off.
My client, who was quite a spitfire of a lady her entire life, turned to me very deadpan and said “I’m glad I lived long enough to see that”. We didn’t stop laughing the rest of the day.
DeadSheepLane
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Worked at big outdoor activities centre a few summers, there’s lots of behind-the-scenes areas where the public can’t see. Saw a new guy (who was definitely some friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend ‘favour’ hire from someone higher up) not know where the toilets were so just take a shit in a hedge behind scenes (I found him mid-shit).
He proceeded to makes really crude moves on all the women and I later found him receiving a blow job from a guy in the same hedge. He was asked to leave.
XyloArch
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One Monday morning, at 8AM, there was a frog in the lobby. Not a small frog, either–a big frog. The front doors were still locked and it was Monday morning, so we had no idea how the little guy got into the lobby. He would’ve had to have hopped all the way from the back of the building to get to the lobby.
justalurkerkthxbai
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I worked the cameras at a casino and there was a kid (old enough to drink) who was given a free room to stay in because he was about to drive drunk. Instead of taking the room, he checked in, walked out the back exit, ran down a hill, ran full speed along the highway, army crawled his way up to his car, got in, drove off the parking lot, and was pulled over immediately.
Benjaminbuttcrack
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It was a really slow day and I kept getting distracted from the Lord of the Rings fanfiction I was reading by the weird squeaky noises I kept hearing behind me. I finally turned around and there was my manager, a 35 year old man, about 3/4 of the way done with making a balloon animal crown for his life-sized Homer Simpson statue.
I asked him to make me a doggie when I was done, and he did–a blue one. I kept it until I accidentally popped it, which scared the shit out of one of my other coworkers.
ostentia
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Coworker came in and found a chunk of his desk missing. After investigating we found a bullet, and a bullet hole above his desk. I ended up on the roof patching the hole.
No idea who decided to shoot our building in the middle of the night.
fievelm
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A large heavy set man falling down a set of stairs what seemed to be in slow motion and once he got to bottom he screamed MY BALLS! Then he got up, picked up what ever fried snack he was eating and casually walked away as if it never happened.
GOAT188
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My first manager used to slap everybody’s ass when he first saw them on any given day. Not lightly either – like a full blown smack. I literally had a red mark for a few hours once. Needless to say he didn’t last long.
NataliHolt
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While working at a supermarket, I was walking through the dairy department and saw a fellow employee over by the eggs. As I got closer I could see him with a carton open and he seemed to be turning each egg. After doing the whole pack, I asked him what he was doing and he responded, “the manager asked me to rotate the eggs.” I facepalmed and explained what they actually meant, to which he replied, “that makes a lot more sense.”
For context, in the grocery world, to rotate means to make sure the earliest dates of expiration are towards the front of the shelf.
Greystreet21
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In a creche/daycare. One of the moms dropped off her baby & when handing him to one of the staff she kissed the staff member on the face and said “love you” and went off to work. Phoned a couple hours later to say “I’ve just realised what I did this morning. I’m so sorry, I was half asleep and I guess I’m so used to handing him to my husband” we had a good laugh
Ajoc27
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I work in an office and thought it would be funny to put googly eyes on my coworkers desk one day. Everyone had a good laugh over it and a couple weeks I found googly eyes on all my stuff. It became a game of who could arrange googlys on peoples desk in the most creative/funny manner. It was hilarious.. Then one of the adjacent departments caught wind of the good times we were having and started doing the same.
Cue a month later and there are fucking googly eyes EVERYWHERE. It was absurd. On the drinking fountains, clocks, vending machines, garbage cans, toilets, you name it, there were googly eyes littered all over the goddamn place. The custodians started complaining that they couldnt keep up with the mess. Visiting customers would look around at the googly spectacle in disbelief of the unprofessionalism.
The head managers had to hold team meetings to talk to all the teams about removing all googly eyes.. and of course since I started it, any time a rogue googly eye popped up months later, I got a stern look from my boss.
The day that I quit there (or get fired, more likely), there will be an unleashing of googly eyes that will be unrivalled. People will be fucking swimming through piles of googly eyes just to get to their completely googly eye covered desks. The vents will be spitting out plastic eyeballs of all shapes and sizes. People will open their lunches they brought from home and gasp in shock as they find nothing but little beady shaky eyes looking up from their tupperware. There. Will. Be. GOOGLY EYES.
Jaydeeem89
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This was in the ’80s at a bad software company run entirely by men. Wonder of wonders, an extremely competent and popular woman programmer was appointed to a management position in Development.
The younger developers decided to have a parade. She was of Scandinavian descent, so they made for her a horned helmet and sword out of aluminum foil, and made for her a sedan chair out of a wooden chair with a couple of pieces of lumber under the arms for support.
Then they carried her outside on the chair while she waved her “sword,” and paraded her around the parking lot at the head of a long column of programmers wearing fish hats and throwing firecrackers. I never understood the fish hats. And kazoo music. I forgot that.
Those were the days…
Tall_Mickey
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I used to be a movie theater manager in college. One night, I was preparing the next projector for showing (on a 35mm camera, so no digital), and I looked into the auditorium that I thought was empty and saw a guy receiving a handjob from a girl. But this was no regular handjob: the dude was stroking each of her right foot toes individually in a precise rhyhtm with the girl stroking him.
He had a very efficient lotion-application system for her toes where he would squeeze lotion onto one toe while he stroked the next toe, never missing a beat (or a toe). Clarence Carter would’ve been proud of this stroking efficiency.
Upon seeing this, I did what any responsible manager would do: I called the other manager up from the box office to assess the situation. He confirmed that this man was receiving a handjob while toe stroking and we laughed so hard we thought that they heard us.
At this point, I’m guessing they had been stroking each other for at least 13 minutes, so I figured that the guy was probably close to climaxing soon. So, I turned the overhead house lights in the auditorium on and off a few times. The guy stood straight up, hit his erect penis on the cup holder while turning, pulled up his pants quickly, and ran down the stairs and out of the exit door leading directly outside to the parking lot. Bro straight up left his girl there.
She eventually left, too, and I never saw them again.
