Listen, I know Han Solo is like the Deadpool of Star Wars or something like that, but there were some other characters who truly deserved their own origins story more than the dude who stole his buddies crush. Sister or not, that’s against bro code, Han. Did we really need that dumpster fire scene where he cheats his way to the fastest Kessel run ever? Don’t even get me started on the damn dice. You want dark and mysterious? I got you covered. You want heavy CGI (I’m glaring at you, George!)? I got you covered. This is the unequivocal list of Star Wars origins stories that Disney should make for their new network.
Editors note: This post broke my spellchecker so apologies in advance! Oh and also spoilers if you haven’t seen all the Star Wars movies.
Let’s start at the beginning, before things got all “choke me daddy” for Motti. This dude’s full name is Conan Antonio Motti. You read that right, Conan! Against all odds, he rose up and defeated the snake god of the Empire, earning him the rank of Admiral on the Death Star. We need to know exactly what Motti went through growing up that swelled his balls up so immeasurably that he thought he could talk shit to that big black bucket of bolts and piss and vinegar, Darth Vader.
So, not only was Han a cheater and a woman stealer, but he also blasted Greedo for shits and giggles. Greedo is just out there trying to get his bounty hunt on and POW, right in the kisser. Greedo was there the day young Anakin beat the almighty Sebulba in the Boonta Eve Classic, clearly aided by some sort of Jedi bullshit. What’s new, right? So, Greedo did what any forward thinking Rodian would do, he joined forces with the impeccable Jabba the Hutt where his Bounty Hunting career reached A&E reality TV levels of badassery. This is the story of an enterprising young man, a bright beacon of hope in the underworld among the stars, with big ass eyes, and in serious need of a dermatologist, cut down in his prime.
How bad ass is this little Jim Henson nightmare puppet? This dude annoyed Darth Vader and lived to squawk about it! A jester by trade, the Kowakian monkey-lizard kept the misunderstood Jabba the Hutt entertained right up until some half naked human went a little too far with their bondage game and choked him to death. After being discovered as a stowaway on a Hutt ship, Crumb and ol’ snail trail came up with an agreement that as long as Salacious could make Jabba’s belly do the St. Nicholas jiggle once a day, he could eat and drink as much as he wanted. Jabba, what a humanitarian. Later, at a celebratory affair, it was Crumb’s infectious laughter that incited the tin can with a pulse, ol’ Darthy to allegedly spittle his drink into his respirator earning a death threat from the Sith Lord. Overreact much, Ani? Way to
take the higher ground…
Here are a few facts about BoShek. Tell me if this reminds you of anyone who recently got their own shitty
solo movie. He’s a force-sensitive Human. He worked as a smuggler and a pilot for hire during the Imperial Era. He was frequently hired to transport spice via the Kessel Run. Spent his downtime in Mos Eisley. He was literally IN THE CANTINA the day Obi-Wan and Luke go there seeking a pilot. You know what, fuck it, they already made this movie and it sucked. Moving on.
Here you have the John Wick of the Star Wars universe, plus a couple hundred pounds. Malikili was an avid animal lover who turned that perfectly natural and not kinky obsession into the title of “Beastmaster” for the Hutt circuses. He’s just out here trying to entertain the kids when one of his creatures escaped, mauling an audience member. THEY KNEW THE RISKS! This led to his “employment” by a frog eating, snail without a shell boss, Jabba, which is where he met the delightful creature known as Pateesa the Rancor. But, then comes more Jedi jackassery rolling up into Jabba’s unannounced and sending Pateesa to a dirt nap. Seriously, the Skywalkers are the worst. After Luke’s Jabba genocide, Malikili goes on to become a freedom fighter, joining forces with well-to-do Tusken Raiders and finally settling down and opening up the Crystal Moon Restaurant in Mos Eisley. What a life! Better than some
“Oh poor me, forced touched princess loves me, my son is going through an emo phase, and my dog walks on two legs look at me, bastard!
A cultured smuggler, Nien was obviously a big fan of Phantom of the Opera, which is why he always wears that mask. Right? Anyway, going from being an opera-fanatic cave dweller to being a smuggler running with the likes of Lando “fuck my friends” Calrissian is a huge step up in the world. What a message, right Disney? This cat even has experience co-piloting that rickety bucket of bol… the Millennium Falcon with Lando during the Battle of Endor. Nunb is widely regarded outside of the Disney brain trust as one of the best pilots in the Galaxy. Later in life he parlayed his expertise in dealing with douchebags, to a career as the Administrator of the spice mines on Kessel. He even survived an assassination attempt while in this position. Talk about a rags to riches story!
Oola was all about dancing for that moola. Who am I to judge? The green-skinned Twi’lek was born to a chieftan on Ryloth. Which pretty much equates to being the daughter of a preacher. Go figure… Before working the dunes of Tatooine and the champagne room aboard Jabba’s barge, Oola was trained in dancing at a celebrated school. When given the choice between going into the family business or getting all
Footloose, she was overheard exclaiming, “I just want to dance, Papi!”
Bro, those hearing aids are dope! Can you hear the fourth dimension with those things? Lobot is another Calrissian acquaintance that got screwed over by Billie D. Williams’ bullshit. While on a job, the theft of the Emperor’s personal yacht, Lobot (or Lo as his friends sign him) was gravely injured. During this injured state, his cybernetic implants took over control of his mind. Wait, is this Star Wars or Star Trek…? I digress, Lobot’s implants allowed him to communicate flawlessly with the Cloud City’s central network. Later, Lobot lent his singular talents to the liberation of his home world of Bespin, with the aid of the New Republic.
Garindan Ezz Zavor (Long Snoot)
No, I don’t know how to pronounce that shit and I bet he gets sick of the “god bless you” jokes. Long Snoot is a bad ass spy, who not coincidentally looks like one of the dudes from
Spy vs. Spy. Though he excelled at being a sneaky, underhanded bastard, he hated his Imperial overlords and longed to return to his home world or Kubindi and free his clan. In order to fulfill this plan, he turned state’s witness and handed over the location of Obi-Wan, Luke, C-3PO and R2-D2 to the Empire during a battle on Tatooine. When that didn’t work out, he was given another job to spy on the Rebel Alliance. Before being forced into servitude by the Empire, Graindan had a wife and several children who went on to become well-known Senators, orators and artists. Talk about big snoot energy. Thanks to his glorious facial appendage, Garindan was able to smell humans and animal’s pheromones allowing him to read their thoughts and feelings. All jokes aside, make this movie!
You’ve seen the movie. You’ve read the facts. You suffered through this slog of bullshit. Now, reward yourself with one of our sweet ass Star Wars inspired tees. Shop the entire Force Collection RIGHT HERE!
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