Teachers have a hell of a job. Not only are they surrounded by rambunctious kids all day, but they hear about EVERYTHING going on in your personal lives. Luckily for us, teachers are happy to share those dirty, little secrets.
A new girl starts at our district and I start making small talk with her (what school did you come from, any brothers/sisters etc.) She tells me her step-brother also recently started in our elementary school. She then says yeah my step-dad is nice, but my older sister doesn’t like him much. I ask well why not and she tells me that step-dad used to date the older sister and they had two kids. But then he broke up with the sister and married the mom, and then proceeded to have three more kids with her. Part of this girl joining our district meant they could all live in the same house together again, older sister included. I had this conversation at 8am on a Tuesday and I was not ready for the direction it took. .
Valerie’s dad vacuums naked.
One student’s sister isn’t his sister… she’s his Mom. .
When my daughter was in second grade, her school allowed parents to come to lunch with them. So every couple weeks id pack a lunch and sit with her and her classmates in the cafeteria. .
One time, a friend of hers says “can I tell you a secret?” .
So I said “sure!” .
He looks around then says “my dad told me when he was in college, he had a huge afro”
I tried not to laugh and just told him his dad must be pretty cool. .
Nana is a stoner. .
Kid comes in and declares he is “allergic to peach pie” which was very confusing because he was not on our allergy list. Upon further questioning we discovered that it wasn’t “peach pie”, but a peach colored pipe. .
Not a specific secret, but maybe yours. If you sleep naked, your kids will not hesitate to tell your teacher. I’m aware of which parents are on team commando in my school. .
Not a teacher but when I was a kid my parents use to joke that I was a miracle baby born 4 months early. The truth is my mother was already 4 months pregnant with me when she married my father. My brother believed them and when he was around 5 or 6 told his entire class that I was a miracle baby. Teacher obviously knew what was up and had to call my parents in for a conference to let them know. .
“I was going to have to start out at, like, a STATE college, because my mom wanted me to ‘work my way through school like she did’ but then I caught Daddy fucking the maid so he has to pay my tuition for a proper school.” – one of the undergrad students in a class I TA’d in NYC as a grad student.
My son asked for a sibling and I said yeah maybe one day but not yet. Now he tells his teachers and friends “my mum’s going to have a baby soon”. So now I’m sure they all think I’m pregnant. .
Not nearly as serious as most of these, but one time I was in a class and a grade 1 student had something very important to tell me: Student: Mr. ____ Me: Yes? Student: when we went to Mexico, my dad pooped his pants! .
While picking up my kids from school I overheard two ten year olds talking about a show or movie and one kid says ” he was cheating, thats when one married person is having sex with someone that’s not their husband or wife.” Other kid non chalantly says “oh yeah, my mom does that.” .
Not really a teacher but a volunteer for a summer camp for kids. We were randomly discussing that smoking is bad for you and then it went to drinking also being bad. One of the girls said: “I know drinking alcohol isn’t healthy but I’m not too worried about my dad. He drinks very often but he only drinks alcohol in really REALLY small glasses.” Jep, her dad likes to party or he has a problem. I hope not the latter. .
Five words we have all said in our life: Whiskey Made Me Do It. Summer is right around the corner and you don’t want to miss our new tank tops.
I heard a story about CPS calling parents because I little girl told her teacher said she likes sitting on grandpas hard leg. .
Turns out he was an above the knee amputee. .
A few years ago a student was telling me how excited he was that his mom and his aunt were having their babies soon and that they’d both be his siblings. After a lot of explanation, it turned out that my student’s dad had knocked up both his wife and his brothers wife around the same time. The aunt and uncle were still married and apparently ok with this.
A kid at the daycare I worked at told his teacher about the “tomato plants” his parents were growing in their closet. .
Not a teacher but everyone in my year found out this one girls parents were swingers when we did a drug and alcohol awareness program. She proudly declared that her parents and their friends never drove after they’d been drinking. “Oh yeah? How can you be so sure?” Someone asked “Because they always put their keys into one big bowl and nobody goes home until the morning!”
A couple kids knew what was up and started telling everybody what that meant. By the end of the week the whole school knew about it.
Grade two girl details her families farting abilities. Proceeds to explain how if she can let a ripper go that her grandfather Gives her the equivalent of 5 bucks. Her mom is the best farter in the family.
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