Look, the title really speaks for itself on this one, but it also doesn’t. Most of these are about kids, but regardless of the ages involved these are hilariously and stunningly stupid stories.
I used to tell my kids not to take off their shoes and socks in the car, especially on short trips. Just leave them on so that we don’t have to spend 5 minutes finding and putting them back on before we run into the store. Imagine a single dad with two young kids running around the car trying to re-shoe my children in the grocery store parking lot in the middle of an Arizona summer, yuck.
One day we went to the store and my daughter was missing her shoe. It was nowhere to be found. “Daddy, I didn’t want you to be mad that my shoe was off so I threw it out the window.” Made sense to a 5-year old I guess.
When my son was 11 years old, he confidently informed me he was pretty sure he knew everything there was to know, because he tried to think of something that he didn’t know, and couldn’t think of anything.
When one of my daughters tries to insult the other by telling her how ugly she is.
They’re identical twins.
When I asked my 14yo if she could please bring me a piece of cake, she cut it, forgot why, then ate it.
When my youngest son, who was 10 at the time, was getting his ears checked at the pediatrician and they found a “foreign object” in his left ear.
Said object was a dead housefly. Because he thought sticking a fly in his ear would give him flying powers.
He had caught it and shoved it in there alive about a week prior.
Daughter calls me “there is a cop behind me with his lights on. What should I do?”
When the Peter Pan Peanut Butter recall happened 10-12 years ago or so (due to salmonella) my then-15 year old daughter came in from school and as she was walking past the living room (tv was on) she stopped and watched the news report about the salmonella outbreak. She got this “ah-ha” lightbulb moment and said, “oh, now I get it! It’s about peanut butter! All day at school I kept hearing Peter Pan was killing people around the country and I thought he had turned bad or something and was now a villain.”
I just stared at her waiting for her to say she was joking and didn’t really think Peter Pan was real, but no, she just went upstairs to her room like we just had a normal conversation about normal, every-day events.
He knew there was a frozen pizza in the garage but couldn’t find it. Didn’t even think to check the freezer.
When my son was disappointed by sex ed class. He thought they were going to learn some moves.
Told my kid that carrots help you see in the dark, he then went into the basement with a carrot and started waving it around like a flashlight.
I had my sister text my mom that she forgot her phone at home
My brother couldn’t remember the proper name for shoes so he called them ‘foot houses’. Mum confirmed that day that at least one of her teenage children was a bit doughy up top.
My 13 year old son was sniffing really hard and moving his head all around the area he was standing in. Slightly concerned he had lost his mind, I asked him what he was doing. He told me, “I farted. I’m trying to smell it all up, so you dont have to smell it.” He’s a thoughtful idiot.
I’m the idiot, I registered for college and spelled my middle name wrong, but didn’t notice for 4 years since they always abbreviated to my initial. I was showing my parents my diploma before walking on graduation day and my mom just stared at me like I was special.
Bonus points I actually thought that was how it was spelled.
I haven’t, and I hope I don’t have to. But my dad said almost exactly that line in reference to my brother. My dad told me about a conversation they had that went like this as best I remember:
“When his third child was born and looked nothing like him – I told him he should get a DNA test and he told me he wished he could but it was too late. I asked what he meant and he said by now all the DNA would have mixed and there would be no way to tell who the child’s father was. After I explained how DNA works to him, he still didn’t believe me. When I asked him why he wouldn’t just try on the off chance I was right, that rather than being on the hook for child support for a child he had literally seen for 12 hours total over the first year of its life, he said ‘it’s just 21 more years anyhow’, ‘why waste my time?’.”
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