Taking part in video game sports
Playing video game sports is an interesting experience. My buddies and I believe in the “fuck you” button. That’s a button the CPU hits when you’re up by a goal (or a touchdown or whatever) in the late stages of a game. Then seemingly out of nowhere the CPU turns into a sports God. This list includes some of the most frustrating athletes to play against in video game sports.
Wayne Gretzky – Wayne Gretzky’s 3D Hockey
The first sports game I owned on the N64 was awesome. You could light the net on fire with a slapshot. Goalies turned into literal brick walls. The Great One’s speed and shot strength were inhuman in this game.
Wizpig – Diddy Kong Racing
You had to race this alien pig-thing twice! For some reason, the second race was easier
Peyton Manning – Madden (Every damn year!)
Having a 99 overall rating in damn near every game, Peyton Manning has caused many of us grief for years. Manning loves running the play clock down to one second and threading the needle to Reggie Wayne. Forget Omaha, we want to send you to Siberia!
Nelly – Wii Sports Resort
Ranked #1 out of the Wii Sports Resort CPUs by overall skill level. This Nelly was “hot shit.” E.I. E.I. Uh oh!
Michael Jordan – NBA 2K11
I mean, not only is he on the cover, he’s Michael f’n Jordan!
Matthew Perry – NBA Hangtime
I don’t know if Chandler is an athlete but his ability to hit 3-pointers in this game is absurd.
“Sunday” Tiger Woods – Tiger Woods PGA Tour
If you’re still in contention on Sunday watch the hell out for Tiger. The A.I. hit the “screw you” button and the animal in Woods comes out to play.
Allejo – International Superstar Soccer
The game didn’t have much in the way of FIFA licenses so this fictional character is modeled after Brazilian football legend, Bebeto.
Thomas Johansson – Virtua Tennis
Mario and Wii Sports tennis are the only games I’ve played about the sport. Apparently, Thomas Johansson’s serve, forehand, and court coverage in Virtua Tennis are inhuman.
Spike – Snoopy’s Silly Sports Spectacular
Snoopy’s older brother who lived in the desert would whoop my ass in the pizza race and the impossible river jump.
Charles Barkley – Barkley Shut Up and Jam!
I wonder how many folks who watch Barkley on TV want to say this to him now? Obviously, Barkley was a beast in the game named after him. Sir Charles could deny any player going up for a dunk, steal the ball and drive all the way to the other basket.
Reggie Jackson – RBI Baseball
Mr. October retired the same year RBI Baseball was released, but that didn’t stop Reggie from going yard seemingly at will.
Jeremy Roenick – NHL 94
A glitch apparently caused Roenick to be the most dominant virtual hockey player ever. Was the glitch Roenick mailing an envelope of cash to EA Sports?
“I’m gonna make Wayne Gretzky’s head bleed for super fan #99 over here”
Michael Vick – Madden 2004
These days many people love to hate Michael Vick for various other reasons but you can’t deny the smashed controllers caused by Vick’s virtual superiority.
Scottie Pippen – NBA Jam
Getting the ball off Pippen was damn near impossible in this game. The ball seemed superglued to his hand. This game came out with the notable absence of Michael Jordan. An exclusive rights deal with Nike made Jordan take a backseat and Pippen to shine.
Randy Moss – NFL 2K2
Getting some “cover boy treatment,” Moss was literally unstoppable. Which wasn’t too far off from the actual Randy Moss at the time.
Ken Griffey Jr. – All of the Ken Griffey Jr. Games
I play the Super Nintendo Ken Griffey to this day. The White Sox seem to be the best overall team but that doesn’t stop Ken Griffey Jr. from knocking out 60+ home runs.
Mike Tyson – Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out
I don’t know anyone who could beat Iron Mike. If you say you can, I’m sorry, I don’t believe you.
Bo Jackson – Tecmo Super Bowl
Bo knows video games. His supremacy in Tecmo Super Bowl is Godlike. Bo was nearly untouchable. The virtual Lawrence Taylor was one of the few who could come close to slowing Bo down.
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