Every year, a family Christmas is fucked up by someone’s actions. Now, 2020 being what it was, you’d think it’d be harder to even “ruin” Christmas this year considering the state of the world.
And you’d be terribly wrong. To help escort the miserable year that was 2020 into the dumpster fire to burn and die, let’s talk about who ruined Christmas this year:
My cousin, who bought Chic-fil-A so he wouldn’t have to eat our homemade meals, announced upon arriving he wasn’t helping with anything, tried to trip acid all day on Christmas Eve, got drunk before noon by himself on that same day when I told him no Christmas hallucinogens, and drunkenly screamed in my face when I told him to clean up his dishes and beer cans.
My cluster headaches made appearance after two months of quiet. Fuckers.
It’s Christmas morning and I can hear my nephew, who lives in the apartment downstairs, throwing a temper tantrum because he thinks his sister got “larger gifts” from Santa this year.
His dad – “are you joking right now? You better be joking. Say just kidding. Oh my god, tell me he’s kidding.”
I found out my wife was cheating on me at 11:30 PM Christmas Eve while we were at her parents house. I packed up my stuff, walked right by her family who didn’t know what was going on, and drove 6 hours in a crazy rain storm to my parents house. So there’s that
My mother got belligerently drunk, locked herself in the closet, and claimed she was going to end her life. Then she vomited and my Dad and I were trying to drag her into her bed. She then proceeded to get violent with me and kicked me in the face.
Not this year, but last year my older sister was being a bitch and talking down to me. “Seriously, when was the last time I even talked to you?” My reply, “Huh, I’m not sure, maybe it was at your wedding a few months ago?” …she got married in May, divorced by July, now sitting next to her new boyfriend that she’s introducing to us for the first time.
They left. My parents were pissed. I had a great time.
My manager, who told everyone that they had to work today and gave himself the day off.
Christmas got cancelled due to the parents having an argument in the morning. Told everyone not to come. Spent Christmas with my Cat. Eating uber eats
Fuckin Travis!! My friend is remodeling his kitchen and living room. Well Travis (who does hvac and electrical work) decided that it would be no big deal to go to work knowing that his wife was sick with covid. He exposed my dad who’s a painter and my friends dad who’s a carpenter. Now we all have to be without our dad. Fuckin Travis, you suck!!
I stole my family’s stockings and replaced them with coal. My mom couldn’t stop laughing, my dad was annoyed and my brother indifferent.
I got fired a week ago. For doing my job and giving everything to my company. Fuck you Aaron.
Myself. Ate takeaway curry last night and got food poisoning, so I’ve spent the entire day at home hugging the toilet bowl.
On the plus side, my abdominals are gonna look fierce tomorrow. So there’s that.
Me. Woke up at 10am hungover and I’ve only just stopped throwing up.
Via Imgur Woke up at 4:30am to the sound of my dog throwing up. After cleaning up and snuggling with him, 6:00am rolls around and he starts having shallow breathing. Been sitting in the vet ER parking lot since then and waiting for his exam to finish after being diagnosed with pneumonia and a $900 bill.
Update: Brownie is doing much better and is on antibiotics. According to the vet, he should be feeling much better in the next 24-48 hours!
[Editor’s Note: Actual photo of Brownie, who is now doing fine.]
Last week, FedEx delivered some of the gifts I’d ordered, but instead of placing them on my porch, they left them behind my vehicle in the driveway.
I subsequently backed over them when I went to get groceries.
For the first time in 38 years, nobody. Thank GOD for quarantine.
She called the simple ring my daughter received from her boyfriend ‘a trash ring because she wasn’t wearing the nearly $700 class ring we had just given her.
I have never been so disgusted with my wife.
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