Not every petty crime you encounter necessarily requires the attention of law enforcement (though, you shouldn’t exactly go full vigilante by any stretch). In the case of this criminal defense attorney, he found a more creative solution. To be fair, I’ve read some stories like this, but there’s one final detail that’s truly the cherry on top.
What’s better then calling the cops on your (sweet little old) neighbors heroin addict grandson for stealing your amazon package?
In July, my elderly neighbor had her grandson, and pregnant girlfriend, move in “to help them out”. She is a widowed lady in her seventies. Babbles a lot, but sweet.
I have a soft spot for her. Years ago, she cornered me as I was leaving to take my dog on a walk. My dog was unhappily pacing waiting for the walk while we listened to her stories. He peed on her during the story; she is so senile she didn’t notice.
Just a few days later, I am mowing my backyard and the grandson walks past my house carrying an amazon envelope. Weird. An hour later, sweet little old lady comes over. With the envelope her grandson had. “This was in my landscaping”.
Totally forgot I ordered my kids the movie “Leap”. (What a shit haul for this kid.)
See I am a criminal defense attorney. Probably the only one this lady knows. If I call the cops, my neighbor will try to hire me. It will get weird. She is so sweet. I will be a witness. He is on probation, so he will sit in jail for a while. This will totally make me look like a snitch to my own clients in that same jail who are thieves, addicts, and burglars. It’s bad personally and professionally. And it’s not the biggest deal.
So I filled up an Amazon box with “purple rain powder” that was ordered to my office. A dry dye that gets darker and spreads when it comes into contact with your sweat. That lasts a week on your skin. Think leaking pen, times fifty.
Why? I want to shame him, and it won’t come back on me. He’s not gonna call the cops for stealing my shit. He isn’t gonna tell his grandma he stole from me. And if it makes a mess in her house, it’s still cheaper for her then hiring a lawyer and paying her grandsons court costs and fines.
Yep, package was gone in 20 minutes.
I walk past the home; screams of anger at the pregnant girlfriend “this shit won’t come off” “it’s all over my grandmas house”. Priceless.
The following day I give him the “head nod” as he smokes a cigarette in a hoody in July. He runs inside.
Then I taught my kids to yell “smurf” when we walk past.
No snitching, just shame.
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